just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
