Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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