I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
