The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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