I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
