If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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