i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
