Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
