mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
