Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
