Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
