Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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