Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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