I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
