I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
