i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
