Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
