Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
