I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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