i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
