your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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