Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
