sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
