Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
