Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We need a shit load of segways right now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
