you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
