When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
