He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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