I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
