Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
