Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
