I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
