watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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