Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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