3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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