My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
