Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
