well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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