Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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