So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My ATM looks so different sober.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
