i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
