He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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