She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
