omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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