Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
