Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
