There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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