I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We left the knife in your bed.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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