I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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