You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
