Swine flu is the new snow day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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