The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
