I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
