i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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