wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
