Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
