Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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