i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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