I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
