I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Congratulations! We have a period
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