I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
