what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
