Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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