Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
