I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
