i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
