so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
